he path towards destruction is slow. It starts with a slight, a twist of the tongue, a false accusation.
The benefit of the doubt is forgotten. The rules of civilized conduct are broken. Other times, it is just plain unjust.
There are, of course, different levels of offences. A breach of trust is the most grievous. A breach of trust goes deep into the soul and leaves a scar on one's heart as it passes through. The scar remains and serves as a frequent reminder.
Trust is a fragile emotion that does not recover easily or quickly. It usually stings in the beginning; only developing into a scar after many years of use. The infraction may come from a single-source or from a collection of minor incidents throughout the years. A broken heart, for me, does not necessarily represent the anguish over a lost lover. Instead, it represents some of the deepest assaults to my personhood. It was those words or that deed that my mind had difficulty processing due to the magnitude or depth of the incident. I had to re-experience it mentally in order to assemble some amount of reason or logic to what I considered a moral outrage.
In response to moral affronts, I learned how to retreat into my soul to give my mind a rest. I tried to get in touch with myself in order to rejuvenate my senses. I learned how to mentally retreat into the depths of my psyche to cleanse my soul from the pain and anguish that had accumulated. It is similar to meditation. I used this time to reflect and re-evaluate my moral code and, further, tried to determine if I was still "good with God." In other words, I assessed my personal conduct, reaffirmed my personal standards and tried to relocate my self-worth. It might even be described as a cleansing of one's conscience which can only be performed through deep, thorough analysis of one's own behaviors and thoughts. I would not clear my thoughts or defragment my mind without first conducting a full analysis of my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I wanted to know what I thought. The question I typically wanted answered was: Why?
Logic versus Emotion
I tried logic in an attempt to define the problem that was currently bothering me. During one moment "psychological assault" seemed to best way to describe the emotional impact certain relationships, brief encounters or specific events had on me and my life. The depth, longevity and severity of the grievance to my personhood took longer to analyze. I can get over a divorce. I can get over losing a boyfriend. I can find another job. Getting over an abuse to my soul is much more complicated. My heart might mend, but my soul requires proper maintenance to self-heal. Self-dialogue seems beneficial. Prayers help also. Screaming was therapeutic. I knew I had progressed from one stage of the grieving process to another when I realized that I had stopped chanting and had reverted to speaking in full sentences. I wrote poetry until my words quit rhyming. My vocabulary expanded to include profanity. It was progress. It reflected change. I was encouraged.
I over-analyzed it. I compared this relationship to that relationship and wondered what my girlfriends might think. I looked at the situation from beginning to end. I questioned every moment since the day I had met him or her or that person. I intentionally recalled every conversation we ever had just to verify that I had not done or said anything that might hurt someone's feelings. I often sat myself down in a virtual think-tank to intentionally and willfully --- work through it - thought by thought - moment by moment.
I asked for my Judgment Day. I asked for an audience with God. I wanted answers. I wanted explanations. I understood the concept of free will, but come on? I can only be responsible for my behavior; I cannot control the actions of others. I can even acknowledge that how I respond or react is also my responsibility, but at what point is enough - enough? At what point will my inalienable rights be protected?
Honesty and Honor
In summary, an honest man speaks his mind and closes the door on his way out. He settles his business faithfully and honestly. He upholds his family and citizenship. To do otherwise, is an affront to God, an insult to others and, furthermore, as a member of the human race -- an unspoken, yet understood social, if not legal, obligation to man and mankind. The practice of good will towards others is a fundamental obligation to God and the universe. It is part of the contract to be a member of the human race. It is part of the contract to be a member of society, and it is certainly a part of the contract in a marriage or other legally binding relationship. Most importantly, it is an obligation to oneself to be morally just.
It was a long think.
Merlene is a student, writer, indie author, New Age journalist and investigative researcher. She writes articles for specialized magazines with focus on psychology, crime, criminology, technology, sociology, relationships, religion, society, politics, ethics and more. Visit http://merlenesmemos.wordpress.com
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